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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations. A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn. If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It make the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief... Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbour's car! If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em! Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business. A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper. I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath. Step 2: count to 10. Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire. If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first. Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything! Home
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