Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray.

What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend?
Ouch.

How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horrorscope.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with.

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries.

What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?
Halloweenies.

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.

What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?
A boo boo.

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

What is Dracula's favorite kind of coffee?
Decoffinated.

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein.

What is a baby ghost's favorite game?
Peekaboo.

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in someone's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves.

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends.

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts.

What do ghouls eat for breakfast?
Ghost toasties with evaporated milk. (Thanks to Bobbi)

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane.

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds.

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone.

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets.

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath.

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure.

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation.

What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet.

What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A Boo-ick.

What did the mother ghost say to her son?
Don't spook unless you are spooken to.

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo.

Why wasn't the vampire working?
He was on a coffinbreak.

What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appétit.

What does a child monster call his parents?
Mummy and Deady.

Where do fasionable ghosts shop for sheets?
At bootiques.

What ride do spirits like best at the amusement park?
The roller ghoster.

What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot.

What fairy tale do ghosts like best?
Sleeping booty.

What kind of spirits serve food on a plane?
Airline ghostesses.

What kinds of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?
High spirits.

Why did the skeleton climb a tree?
Because a dog was after its bones.

How do you make a witch scratch?
Just take away the W.

Where do ghosts go swimming?
The dead sea.

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope it's Halloween.

What do you call a skeleton stone age family?
The Flintbones.

What did the witch say to the vampire skeleton?
Bony little bloodsucker, aren't you?.

Did you hear about the new Dracula doll?
Wind it up and it bites Barbie on the neck.

What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?
Veinilla.

What did the three vampires order at the bar?
Bloody Marys

How did the priest make holy water?
He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffindrops.

What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A pumpkin patch.

Why isn't Dracula invited to many Halloween parties?
Because he's a pain in the neck.

Who is a skeleton's favorite emperor?
Napoleon Boneaparte.

Why did the vampires cancel their baseball game?
They couldn't find their bats.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

Which monster likes to fly kites in the rain?
Benjamin Franklinstein. 

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'll have two beers and a mop.

What did the mummy say to the detective?
Let's wrap this case up.

Why was the witch kicked out of witching school?
Because she flunked spelling.

When a witch lands after flying, where does she park?
The broom closet.

Why can't skeletons play music in church?
Because they have no organs.

How do you tell twin witches apart?
You can't tell which witch is which.

What do you call a dead chicken that likes to scare people?
A Poultrygeist.