A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...

These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts,  Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah."  Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"  String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies  "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...

This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies"I'm not surprised at those prices.."

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the   man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer...

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?"  asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"  Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says,"I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...

A guy walks into a bar.   "OUCH!" he said...

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'  The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him,  "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man   called the bartender over.,"Hey...i must be losing my mind,"  he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."  "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?"   "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're  complimentary."

This guy goes into the bar Friday night and orders three beers, in fact every Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself.  Three beers, every Friday night. Well, the bartender can't figure this out.
The bartender finally says to the guy "Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3." The guy says "Yes there is a story."  You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.
One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue
doing this when we return to the states. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the other two would drink the third ones beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers.  The other two didn'tmake it back so I'm drinking theirs."
Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but
only ordered two beers.  The bartender couldn't believe it.  Friday after Friday this guy now orders only two drinks.  This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.
The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks.  There has to be a story here."
The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more."

A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the  hanger at Mascot in Sydney. It was fogged in and they had nothing to do.
One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz."
So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time.
The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably   start pounding as soon as he stood up.  But it didn't.  He felt good.  In fact, he felt great - no hangover!
Bill's phone rang, it was Bob.  Bob asked, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"I feel great!" replied Bill.
"I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?"
"No.  That jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover.  We ought to do this more often!"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
 "What's that?"
 "Did you fart yet?"
 "What?"
 "Did you fart yet?"
 "No..."
 "Well, don't, because I'm in Melbourne!"

25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1.  It's an incentive to show up
2.  It reduces stress
3.  It leads to more honest communications
4.  It reduces complaints about low pay
5.  It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover
6.  Employees tell management what they think not what management
wants to hear.
7.  It helps save on heating costs in the winter
8.  It encourages carpooling
9.  Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work
11. It makes fellow employees look better
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out  raises when they are wasted
14. Salary negatiations are a lot more profitable
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrasing
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar
17. It makes everyone more open about their ideas
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they have had a couple of drinks
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union
22. The janitors closet will finally have a use
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober  up
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps
if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at
the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep
your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
 
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
 
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
 
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine
Zandonella
 
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her. --W.C. Fields
 
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to
Winston Churchill; Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply
 
Sir, you're drunk!  --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly. --His reply
 
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye
 
Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde
 
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny
Youngman
 
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin
Franklin
 
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it  makes
beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
 
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
 
The problem with the world is that everyone is a fewdrinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
 
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David
Moulton
 
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
 
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser
Welhelm
 
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
 
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
 
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
 
They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving
 
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
 
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
 
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this
and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on those of a
British background, which he was.  When he finished, he found his horse
had been stolen.  He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into
the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot
into the ceiling.  "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he
yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.  "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY
HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I
DUN IN TEXAS!  AND IIIIIIIIIIII DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUUUUUN
IN TEXAS!"  Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!  He
saddled-up and started to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out
of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to bloody walk home.

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened.  His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior,
and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home?  Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner.  And, about midnight, he
arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room.  She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear.  I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well.  I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Water or Whiskey?
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe
closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!!!"