Mens advice to women:

• Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

• If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

• Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

• Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

• Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

• Please don't drive when you're not driving.

• Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

• The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave.

• He's just not crying. Big difference!

• When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

• What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

• When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

• When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

• The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility.  It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

• SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour.  This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

• Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

• If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

• You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

• It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

• The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

• Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

• When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen.  Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials.  Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of  getting an immediate response.

• When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back.  I always know when the timing is right.  Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

• If you need help with the laundry,  I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer.  In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

• If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

• If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise.  I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

• I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

• Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed.  And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occassion is.  After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

• Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not.  I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

• If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair.  And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

• I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

• Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me.  I am not ignoring you.